LOSS, and Other Beautiful Things.

 Loss is a thing of beauty.

Anything— a black hole, a wound, yourself— is a thing of beauty if you philosophize it long enough.

As with other beautiful things, loss demands all your attention.

When something, someone, is separated from you, you fixate on that oddly-shaped hole for a while.

You stare and stare hard, trying to trace your way back to where you last saw it whole— as if you simply misplaced it, as if you can coax it back home.

As with other beautiful things, the value of loss is often in the mind of the beholder.

You may learn to lock the door twice now.

You may start recognizing it in others.

You may be drown to create something with it.

You may embrace tighter all that still remains.

And as with other beautiful things— loss is more fleeting than you initially thought.

First it races, then it runs, then it walks; finally it tiptoes quietly— always there, still there, but no longer there—

 As you eventually move on to the next beautiful thing(s).

[05.05.22]

Until you meet someone who matches your energy,

a lot of people will make you feel you are too dramatic

or you ask for too much.

When you meet the right person, 

you'll know that...

nothing is wrong with you.

Don't rush it, though.

Soon, someone would treat you just the way you want it.

Someday, you will meet someone who understand you,

and it will all make sense why your previous relationship didn't work out.

nb. I finally meet mine.

       Hopefully you meet yours asap.

Apology Letter to Myself hehe

Dearest Melisa,

Uh hi? Hello hmm It’s me, you.

First of all, I just want to let you know that I owe you a very long apology for all of the ways I’ve hurt you like so many times. It has taken me so many years to realize that the one who deserve my love the most was you. I was the one who treated you the worst. I’m sorry I never knew how to love you properly when it was much easier not to love you at all.

I’m sorry for thinking that I didn’t need to ask your forgiveness and know that I’m capable of moving on without your permission. I’m sorry for never learning how to love a little less, for being so open to people, for investing your precious time on wrong people, for being so forgiving and giving chances to those who don’t seem to deserve them, for trying so hard to make everyone happy but you, for letting you hurt to save others, for putting others before you, for being too soft to others yet too hard to you.

I’m sorry for always look at you in the mirror and never absence to hate what I see. I keep on trying to find every single flaw I can of you and keep comparing you to others who I perceive to be better than you. Baby, little did I know that all those loves I keep giving are the loves I should give to you. I’m sorry for saying all those nasty things to you, I’m sorry for not putting you first, for not prioritizing your needs, your fears, and your concerns.

I spent most of my life judging you. Telling you all the time that you weren’t enough. I put all kind of doubt in your mind instead of supporting you when you try to get up and rise. I made you believe that if someone hurt you, it was all your fault. I even made you believe that your worth was based on other people’s opinion and actions on you.

But baby, I’m telling you now that I was so wrong. I was wrong to make you believe that anyone who didn’t see you for you mattered. They don’t.

I know right you spent so damn much energy trying to get the approval; the validation of others because I never gave it to you. This put you in situation where you felt so broken when someone hurted or betrayed you cause I let you believe your worth depended on the love you received from them.

I’m sorry I never let you take any compliments, I’m sorry for covering up your real pain with cheap jokes, I’m sorry for pushing people you love away, I’m sorry for made you believe that other mistake were a reflection of your character, I’m sorry for using mental illness as an excuse to abuse you both mentally and physically.

I’m sorry for not taking care of you the way I should have, I put toxins into your body, I let you got so many sleepless nights, I didn’t take any time off to allow our body rest and get better when we were sick, I drained you down to make sure all my stuffs done and fulfill other’s expectation. I’m sorry, I really am.

I’m sorry for all of the times I let you fall alone, we’ve been through tragic goodbyes, shitty friendships, unhealthy relationships, toxic environments, never ending insecurities, eternal quarter life crisis, manipulative scumbag coworkers and many others. It hurt me to see you so much in pain that I couldn’t handle it at the moment. I’m so sorry that I didn’t instantly pick you back up, I didn’t wipe your tears, I didn’t help you to figure out what to do to feel better and keep moving forward. I’m sorry I let you fall without me giving any hands.

I’m sorry for all the bad choices I made that affects you, all of the embarrassing moments that occurred and still make you cringe just to thinking about it til today, all sad memories you have to remember every night before you fall asleep, all regrets that haunts your days, all what ifs you have to wonder, all pain you have to bear. I’m sorry to put so much bad things in your life.

I’m sorry for letting those toxic people in into your life, I apologize for people who made you believe that you’re unworthy, who called you fat and ugly, who told that you’re not enough, who clown you around, who blamed you over their faults, who used your loyalty, who broke their promises, who betrayed you, who forced you to be someone youre not, who left you in pieces. I shouldn’t let you meet these kind of person.

I apologize for letting other people stealing your joy, for making you question your self-worth, for dimming your light, for telling your dreams were too high, for discounting your emotions and dismissing your feelings. I apologize for not taking care of your heart, for letting it breaks. You don’t deserve any of this, really.

I’m sorry for spending hours upon hours attempting to capture the perfect pict of you only to edit it and add countless filters on it because I thought you weren’t attractive enough for social media. I’m sorry for keep comparing you to every girl and expecting you to attain the same beauty standards when youre good enough the way you are. Youre enough and I’m sorry for not realizing that sooner.

I’m sorry that your worst enemy wasn’t that one fickle bitch on highschool, nor your hypocrite coworker. It was me.

Once again, I’m so sorry for being too hard on you, for blocking too much happiness, for let you living in a constant state of fear and anxiety, for not fighting when the negativity starts to kick in, for not treating you as a priority, for blaming you everytime bad thing happens, for letting you suffer and things I couldn’t even remember cause damn those things way too much.

I’m sorry for ever told you, you deserve all these pain and sadness.

No, baby. You don’t.

All you deserve is to finally be able to breath afer years of me suffocating you. You deserve love and happiness in all of its forms. Like someone ever told you, youre the purest soul alive. You really are.

I promise from now on, I will do my best to give you plenty of water and sunlight for you to keep on growing. To finally love you enough on days when it feels impossible. To not point out flaws in the mirror ever again. To let others love you and make you happy without being so afraid theres gonna be another painful goodbye or betrayal. And to give you endless amount of grace.

Promise me to be happy more often, baby. I love you so much it hurts.

Xoxo,
Forever Yours.

Where's tf Good in Goodbye?

I blame you stoopid cupid, your love arrow stuck on the wrong person; at the wrong time; in the wrong dimension. Sigh.

Ugh. Beelzebub has a devil aside for me b-but this ain't Bohemian Rhapsody.

My floofy pillow could heal my sorrow.

But again, I wish I didn't say hell-O because it means b.y.e

I'm an optimist (really). 

I was looking for the good in goodbye in the end of the rainbow, but all I found was the end that has no end. 

Then I was looking for the good in goodbye in the bottom of the sea and uh I met Ariel the mermaid but no no no, she was there and crying and screaming and rolling and puffing. /poof/ okay.

She said: "I just found out that my prince charming F-worded another princess who trapped in a tower and imprisoned by an evil dragon. (bitchy rapoonzel) (it should be Ariel to be "beachy") uh dry joke, next please.

Poor Ariel the mermaid. I thought her already live in the woods far far away with an ogre. (so shrek? why you cheating on Fiona? dang)

So yeah, I've decide to stop searching for the good in "blaargh".

The night was interminable.

And out of the blue. I found it.

The good is in a glass of stars.

Some Thought on the Real World from One Who Glimpsed it and Fled.

 "...having an enviable career is one thing, and being a happy person is another. 

Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. 

A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential-as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth.

You'll be told in a hundred ways, some subtle and some not, to keep climbing, and never be satisfied with where you are, and what you're doing.

There are million ways to sell yourself out, and I guarantee you'll hear about them.

To invent your own life's meaning is not easy, but it's still allowed, and I think you'll be happier for the trouble."

GREY [loving you; told in colors]

Grey.
I didn't know you. You were just a blurry face in a crowd, a message on a screen.
Yellow.
We were friends. I called you and we shared secrets until the sun rose high into the morning sky.
Pink.
Your laugh. The way you made butterflies show up inside my stomach. I was falling and somehow, I knew you'd be there to catch me.
Red.
I loved you. I loved your eyes, your voice. You're art.
Blue.
This is when I fell out love. I stopped smiling at cheesy jokes and stopped wanting to wake up in the mornings.
Purple.
The color of the bruises I gave myself. I couldn't love you and I tore myself apart because of it. Regret.
Grey.
I began ignoring your phone calls. We stopped talking. I don't even remember your laugh. We were strangers again.

3 A.M thougt

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                                                              she was the sky
                                                              and she loved
                                                              a boy who
                                                              is afraid
                                                              to fly
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